tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7013340946541374911.post540693289270445461..comments2023-11-23T21:19:19.372-08:00Comments on The Green Bathtub: Calling All Pitch ExpertsA.L. Sonnichsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11358456786727534289noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7013340946541374911.post-22280471718301738652011-07-28T20:29:33.095-07:002011-07-28T20:29:33.095-07:00Yep, much better. Too many parentheses will defini...Yep, much better. Too many parentheses will definitely slow the reading down and annoy your potential publisher. Keep it slick, concise and streamlined is my tip. I'm an editor and I'm currently helping a writer with this issue. <br />I work on the three-pitch model and this looks quite good for a second pitch. <br />I think of it as "Enter 3 BITCHES" as they are so tricky to nail down, ;-)The Owlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05157983680859553832noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7013340946541374911.post-58313934689871191932010-06-30T04:59:01.628-07:002010-06-30T04:59:01.628-07:00I like Krista's version--she somehow got all o...I like Krista's version--she somehow got all of the important plot stuff in there but w/o all the parentheticals. <br />I have no advice of my own, just wanted to see if anyone brilliant had any advice for you here in the comments! :)p&khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08891973360373520359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7013340946541374911.post-86511600825334360592010-06-29T00:13:19.528-07:002010-06-29T00:13:19.528-07:00Thanks for the feedback, Krista!! So helpful. You...Thanks for the feedback, Krista!! So helpful. Your version is a lot simpler. I love it.A.L. Sonnichsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11358456786727534289noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7013340946541374911.post-77255845099815265752010-06-28T23:07:17.042-07:002010-06-28T23:07:17.042-07:00Here's my two cents, Amy (which is probably on...Here's my two cents, Amy (which is probably only worth about a penny and a half:) ).<br /><br />I think the parenthetical statements bog it down unnecessarily. You might try incorporating the same information into the shock statements, something like this:<br /><br />"When Heather gets back to rural America after five years in China, she's hit with a lot more than culture shock: pregnant-sister shock and I-so-don't-want-a-new-boyfriend shock--especially the holier-than-thou farm boy next door."<br /><br />That's, er, a lot of hyphens, and I'm sure you could make it a lot smoother than that, but hopefully that gives you something to think about. And I'm very much looking forward to reading it.Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.com