Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Cheesiest Christmas Song EVER & Contest

Some days you just have to let yourself be a Scrooge. This week on my blog you are allowed to be as Scroogie as you'd like. This is a guilt-free place where you can roll your eyes and groan at the overload of Christmas cheer to your squeezed-little-heart's content.

And to celebrate this freedom, I'm having a contest.

It's easy. In the comments, nominate your choice for the CHEESIEST, HOKIEST, SCHMOOZIEST Christmas song EVER. (And just make sure you're a follower of the blog, too. But that's not hard. Just click on the Follow button.)

If your comment is selected (at random), I'll send you a box of our city of Prosser's famous Chukar Cherries (just ask other people who have won these, they're super delicious) ... because maybe all we need is a little sweetness to chase that Scrooge away.

This contest is open internationally, so please don't hesitate to enter! **Contest will be open for five days, closing on Monday, December 20 at 11:59p.m. PST. **

And now, without further ado, my own nomination for CHEESIEST, HOKIEST, SCHMOOZIEST Christmas song EVER.

Song Synopsis: A poor little boy in tattered clothes is in a shoe store on Christmas Eve buying his mother a pair of shoes. He explains very eloquently to the cashier that his mother is sick -- no, worse than that! -- she's on the verge of death and he wants to buy these shoes so she'll look pretty if she meets Jesus tonight. He counts out his pennies, but -- horrors! -- he doesn't have enough to pay for the shoes. So he turns to the person in line behind him and explains his story. The person behind him pays the rest of the money for the shoes.

Why I think this song deserves the Title of Cheesiest, Hokiest, Schmooziest Christmas song ever:

(1) The songwriter definitely laid it on thick. S/he could have left it at a poor little boy's kind gesture to his hard-working mother, or even just left it at a sick mother. But no, the mother has to be DYING. And not just dying. Probably dying TONIGHT. ON CHRISTMAS EVE. The writer had one object in mind: to make everybody bawl their eyes out. Problem is, when you lay it on too thick, you get your share of Scrooges (me!) being critical.

(2) The songwriter probably does not have much experience with kids. I know this because of my seven-year-old son's reaction to this song. It was playing on the radio in the car the other day and we had the following conversation:

Me: Gabe, if I were dying, would you go out and buy me shoes?

Gabe: No. (Stops to think) I'd buy you medicine.

Anna: Me too! I'd buy you medicine, Mom.

Gabe: Besides, if his Mom is about to see Jesus she doesn't need new shoes. Jesus wouldn't even see her shoes because she'd go to heaven and you can't take shoes with you to heaven.

Me: Hmm. Very good point, Gabe.

Gabe: So that boy just wasted his money.

Me: Yep. I guess so.

See, children are better philosophers than we give them credit for. (And now you have evidence of how I drag my own children into my own Scrooginess.)

On a side note: what little boy would ever think of buying his mother shoes? I mean, if he wants her to look nice, I think a little boy would think of a new dress. Not shoes. Do men ever think of shoes?

Of course, you don't need to go into this much detail when you nominate your choice for cheesiest, hokiest, schmooziest Christmas song ever. I just did it for the mean-spiritedness fun of it.

Now have fun in the comments being Scrooge for a few minutes. Go ahead, be critical of Christmas cheer and mushy feelings.

And Bah Humbug to you, too!


  1. Amy, I HATE that song! Talk about emotional manipulation. It makes me cry every time, even though I loathe it. Maybe I loathe it because it makes me cry every time...

    I'll be back later with a (not-quite-as-good) nomination.

  2. As I read the synopsis I thought you must be joking that the song was a farce but it was serious. YUK!

  3. I am going to have to agree with you Amy--this is the cheesiest. And although I am quite a weeper (ask my fam) it did not make me cry. Here's why--I was distracted by noticing the synchronization of the singer and the little boy's speech. It was as if the video director thought "we better synch the boy's speech with the singer...or else folks might not get that the singer is singing what the boy is saying to the cashier." I guess they think we are pretty dumb and wanted to make sure we got it. LizC

  4. It might not be quite the same calibre of cheesiness as your nomination but I'm going to nominate 'All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth'. I actually loved this song as a child but listening to it, now it's pure cheese.

  5. I'm going to go with the horribly over-played, suicide-tinged but oh-so-danceable Christmas classic...Last Christmas by Wham.

  6. Amy, this is so fun! Thanks for making it international, too! I have to agree with you on that song...and it makes me cry to. But, each time I'm like Gabe, "Why does she need shoes? She's not taking them with her?"
    OK, for my Scrooge Mood it has to be "Let it Snow". I do like the song, but this year it is driving me crazy. Probably because, I can sing it all I want, but we will NOT snow here in the subtropics. Today I should sing, "Let it rain, Let it rain! Let it rain!" But, I want the rain to I don't like that either.

  7. Love your contest Amy! I don't think there's any song that comes close to the cheesiness of yours, though. I have to agree with everyone.. it's really, really sappy.
    Mine's not cheesy so it probably doesn't officially belong in the contest but it's been rattling around in my head for weeks now and it's driving me nuts. I remember loving it as a kid but now it sorta rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it's the tree-hugger side of me but, my most UNfavorite song now is Christopher the Christmas Tree. I can't find the lyrics on line but it goes something like this (and it's not like I know all the words but . . .) "Christopher was a Christmas tree, a perfect little fir was he, who lived though most unhappily in the great north woods. He was sad as a tree could be, he cried and sighed as constantly, he wished that everyone could see.. just how straight he stood. Now all around our little Chris much taller timbers grew. The woodsman never noticed him and his forest friends were few! Then one day cold and wintry, he heard some children shout with glee as they viewed him most admiringly and he understood"

    bla, bla, bla, bla bla bla ... on and on it goes. Old Chris gets his wish and the kids cut him down, lug him home and string an assortment of stuff off his now dying branches. Unmentioned in the song is the fact that, as soon as the holidays are over our little protagonist gets hacked into small pieces and used as kindling. Either that, or he's flung, unceremoniously into the yard for the garbage man to haul off.
    Anyway.. not really cheesy but it is sorta dumb when viewed from the tree's perspective.

  8. Oh, these are awesome, everyone! Keep them coming.

    Thanks to all of you, I've the songs you mentioned stuck in my head. Ugh. I guess I asked for it.

    Except for the Christopher Christmas tree one, Linda. Thankfully I don't know that one!! LOL!


  9. The Christmas Shoes is a dreadful song, completely illogical.

    The Christmas song that makes me cringe whenever it comes on is the oh, so sexy Santa Baby. Ugh.

  10. I have to agree with all the comments about Christmas Shoes. Another song that literally leaves me running to the mute button is "Christmas in the Northwest". When she gets to the line, "Christmas in the Northwest is a gift God wrapped in GREEEEEEEENNNN!", I just want to puke. And I love the Northwest!
    Aunt Sandi :)

  11. LOL at your nomination! I had those same thoughts . . . why shoes? She can't take them to heaven. Thought I remember this story going around the internet before it became a song. You know, one of those chain e-mails that you have to send off or terrible things will happen to you? That explains a lot, really.

    I nominate "Blue Christmas." sung by Elvis Presley. Man this song annoys me. I keep thinking Blue Man Group and I just can't abide all the "A-whoa, a-whoas." So there's my scroogey bit. ;)

  12. Here's my entry! They play this on the radio 50... times... a day. It's SO freaking awesome! Who doesn't love to hate Celine?

    Celine Dion, Another Year Has Gone By

  13. All right- here's my nomination: Daddy's Beer, by (I think) Dave Gunning. At first- it's kinda amusing, then it's silly.

  14. In this song (Daddy's Beer), it talks about Santa coming and drinking up all Daddy's beer, and Daddy hates it. The last part of the chorus goes "He ate all the cookies, and he drank all of Daddy's beer." It's quite discouraging for Christmas, because this dad is down in the dumps.

    Oh, and the song you posted is kinda sweet. I liked it :)

  15. Blue Christmas by Elvis is pretty bad!
    This is so fun!

  16. I think "Santa Baby" is the worst.

  17. Oh, yeah, "Santa Baby" is pretty awful. I'll add "Last Christmas (I Gave You My Heart)" to the list.

  18. LOL! Awesome contest, Amy. :o) The cheesiest one I can think of is in The Muppet's Christmas Carol. Michael Cain sings along to his lost love in an airy-fairy ballad about the "love" being "gone". I think the official title is When Love is Gone. (Took them a while to think that one up, eh? lol)

    Merry Christmas, Amy! Have a great holiday--snow and all. :o)

  19. Do you remember that fateful Christmas series at the TJIF when this song was featured. Dave and I STILL tell the story of experiencing Christmas services at the TJIF, and what can happen when you let people do whatever they want!!!