Everything seems to be up lately.
Last night in the car I was telling my dashingly handsome sidekick (DHS) how I was releasing feelings of guilt because I didn't have time to go to my writer's group at the local library, or take the girls to library reading time this year. The library reading time didn't jive with Anna's preschool schedule, and since two of my girls have ballet on Monday nights, writing group didn't jive either.
He said, "Honey, you have a lot going on. It's okay."
And there it was. Release. Just to hear someone else say "you're insanely busy" was dramatically freeing.
Maybe it's the stereotype of the stay-at-home mom who sits with her hair in a towel all day, eating bon-bons and watching soaps that messes with my confidence level. (I do admit to eating the occasional bon-bon or two or twenty-seven, but the only TV I ever watch is Go, Diego, Go because that's Sophie's current favorite.) Maybe it's also this continuing struggle with wanting to please people, for people to think what I'm doing is worthwhile. I know most people respect that stay-at-home moms have a difficult and important job, but there's always this doubt in the back of my brain that I should be accomplishing more. I don't know if it's social pressure, or just my own drive, or what....
My DHS is wonderfully supportive. He doesn't expect me to keep the perfect house, he comes home and plays with all four children, he occasionally does dishes and even laundry, and he has been amazing when I've been on my writing/editing binges. He knows I need the creative outlet writing gives me.
But this last month or two has been interesting. I've been sort of manic with this baby coming, cleaning more than I usually do. My WiP has been out with a critique partner, so I haven't been writing or editing my own work much. I've spent a lot more brain time in the daily routine because my mind isn't caught up in my novel. It's been a wonderful break.
I miss writing. But I love this life I have with my family. Focusing on them feels great.
That's when fear seizes me. WILL I EVER MAKE TIME FOR WRITING AGAIN?
I'm having another baby! I can hardly handle the four I've got! Every night I'm falling asleep reading to the kids, so there goes my writing time!
PANIC! My publication dreams evaporate before my eyes.
And then I remember to focus, to be realistic, to be rational.
A break is a good thing. I might be a bit rusty when I get back to writing, but I'll get back into it when the time is right, when I want to, when the stories in my head need to go on paper. When that happens, the need to write will overcome the exhaustion and I'll make time.
I have before. I will again.
Until then, it's okay.