In case you're tempted to think I'm living the charmed life over here....
I'm a soccer mom now. Officially. I have two kids in soccer, two in ballet, two in gymnastics.
Raising these wonderful, outgoing children requires a level of organizational skills I do not possess.
Case in point:
1) Time for ballet for Child #1, soccer for Child #2. Plan: Quick drop off of Child #1 at studio, followed by quick drop off of Child #2 at soccer field. Watch half of soccer game. Go fetch Child #1. Return to soccer game.
2) Cannot find soccer socks (five minutes until ballet)
3) Frantic searching
4) Child #1 announces that her mother (who, me?) forgot to sew the band on her new ballet shoes.
5) Frantic sewing
6) Knots in the thread
7) Thread breaks
8) If I could use curse words around my children, I would; replaced curse words with inarticulate mumblings
9) "Oh, well, never mind! We don't have the socks! Here're your shoes! Let's go!"
10) Check back of van for fold-out chairs for soccer game
11) Ensure all five children made it into the car and are buckled in
12) Drive madly down hill (five minutes late for ballet and counting)
12) Driving past the elementary school, Child #1says, "Mom, the back of our van is open."
13) Screech! of brakes. "Our what?"
Yep. I did that.
Moving on....
Feeding said wonderful, outgoing children also takes a certain set of (*ahem*) skills:
1) Drive to the grocery store
2) Pull into parking lot
3) "Shoot! Forgot my coupons!"
4) Drive home
5) Get coupons
6) Drive back to store
7) Retrieve children from vehicle, as well as shopping cart cover to protect seven-month-old from germs
8) While putting protective cover onto cart, I notice something slimy yellow smeared on it.
9) Glance down to find shiny yellow substance smeared on my shirt
10) Notice shiny yellow substance oozing from the sides of baby's diaper
11) Make decision only a professional mother can make:
LOGICAL POINT 1: The baby already has poop all over her.
LOGICAL POINT 2: So does the shopping cart cover.
LOGICAL POINT 3: My shirt? Oh well. I can cover it with my arm.
LOGICAL POINT 4: I have coupons.
LOGICAL POINT 5: I'm at the store.
LOGICAL POINT 6: I'm going shopping!
So, yeah, I grocery shopped covered in poop. It was a very hygienic day.
How's your charmed life going?
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I can't count the number of disgusting things I never imagined myself doing. This is why kids are so darn cute or we'd have returned them to the hospital by now.
ReplyDeleteIs it wrong to admit I laughed out loud at this?
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh. That was so funny because it sounds like...ME. LOL
ReplyDeleteYou're in good company. As a baby, Isaac had a diaper blowout on his grandma while at a funeral (for a family member, so we were all on the front row), but she didn't realize it at first and set him on the pew next to her. We ended up having to carry the pew cushion into the tiny church bathroom (tiniest sink ever!) and wash a HUGE caked on smear of poo off and off of grandma's dress. then we went to the graveside. Beautiful service!
ReplyDeleteHahaha, I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one! :D
ReplyDeleteMy Blog
Man - what a day. Kind of reminds me of the time my oldest (she's fifteen now but was probably about a year old when this happened), threw up on me on a plane as we were landing. Since we were landing, I couldn't get up to clean it off, so she and I just sat there like that until we were on the ground. As the magnet on my mom's fridge says: "Motherhood is not for wimps!"
ReplyDeleteHoly cow, that's a great story. I've done many things covered in baby poop (sadly). I have limited my kids to two things per week. I started run club at school so they could all do it and that would be one of their things. You are a better person than I.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I keep an emergency kit in my car filled with clothes for all of us.
I could so see you running around with pooh on you. :o
ReplyDeleteI was sure when I popped over to read your charmed life post, I was going to see that your new agent just sold your book. LOL! Not quite what I expected.
You are definitely not the only mother who has gone shopping covered in baby poop. Like, um, me. :)
ReplyDeleteTwo days ago I stared at the surging tower of laundry on top of the washer and realized (with a loud sigh from my inner martyr) that if the baby's diapers would just hold everything in where it was supposed to be, I would only be doing laundry every other day instead of three times a day!
Thanks for reminding me to laugh about it!
You're so brave, Amy! Soccer and ballet and gymnastics, oh, my! I'd have to be in pretty dire need of sustenance to go to the grocery store by myself with five kids. (I rarely go to the grocery store by myself with two kids, and the last time I did, I gave our new van a nice scratch by turning a corner too sharply and running into someone's bumper. Yep, burst into tears after that one. At least the guy's bumper was fine...)
ReplyDeleteI still have those days. Just not the ones where I'm covered in poop. :D
ReplyDeleteLOL! Wow, I have been there. I'm a soccer mom with 2 kids in soccer, too and THANK GOODNESS no kids in ballet. I already don't have time for it all!
ReplyDeleteAnd btw, I've never left the back open, but I did manage to back into the stroller I left there meaning to put in the trunk. Woops. :(
So funny! I've been there too. I can't compete with the diaper story or the open van door, but yesterday we were already late for soccer when one of the girls' black fingernail polish shattered on the bathroom floor. Yikes.
ReplyDeleteWow, Amy. You are a rockstar! And I see I have so much stress to look forward to one day haha
ReplyDelete